We got out of the teething woods and now Gabe has our cold. One thing gets over and then its something else. . . I feel like I start to enjoy one stage and then it becomes another. And Gabe never just sat and played – he loves interaction which means alot of activities and me with him. And now he is moving everywhere, with a soar throat, moaning and in and out of crying and struggling at nap time. I basically cannot accomplish much. I have to throw every expectation out and go with the flow. And HA! I thought i was good with that. I married Josh for goodness sakes. I thought my type A personality already took a serious chill pill. Apparently, not enough. I had never realized before how much I liked to expect certain things, feel better when my life is in order or i have plan for the future… And right now, its just not that possible. Learning to truly live in the moment, all unshowered, tired, messy, grumpy, havent read my bible today or thought happy thoughts and know I am no less a person because of it, and that i CAN find joy in the midst of the chaos is the hardest lesson for me. I was just chatting with a friend about how in many areas of parenting you cannot FIX the problem. You believe your whole life if you just try hard enough, you can make it happen. WRONG! Some things are just hard, and just life, and nothing you can do can change that. And when did i start believing if i try hard enough, the world aligns and the angels sing. I am not God. I cannot make life what i want it… And that makes trusting the Lord all the more necessary. He is the safe place and true joy of my heart. He knows what i need and what is best for my life. Not me. And when I think life is a total wash, a unredeemable mess, maybe to God its the perfect scene for my redemption. I am not failing or inadequate before Him if being Gabe’s mom is holding him all day, struggling with surrendering with what I want, with our house looking like a obstacle course and my body developing a few layers of dirt. Maybe this is my messy sanctification process today. Maybe God can make this beautiful, even when i want to go in a corner and cry. I dont got this down. I dont know what I am doing. But the only person tearing me down about it is me. “Draw near to the throne of grace, to find help in your time of need” somewhere in Hebrews 4. We have a compassionate God. We have a Savior who understands. Maybe all God wants of me to crawl into his lap and cry. I need a daddy hug today. And maybe i dont walk away with all the answers today. And maybe thats ok.
God is the central character of my narrative, not me. So it doesn’t matter if I’m a mess, God can make messes beautiful. He already has been working on that every since the day i called him “Lord”. And I am no less able to be used by God as a mess, cause who are we kidding: Believing God can only use me when i got my shiz together means that will never happen. And if i think i have arrived, I am so blinded and far from the truth of grace.
So even though so much of me hates this. I hate sitting here in my pajama pants at noon. I hate being broke. I hate not knowing if Gabe will sleep at nap time or if I will ever get a break, Gods goodness has not changed. In fact, he is revealing just how deep my self reliance goes. And one day, i will be able to honestly mean it when i say, thats grace.